The Top 10 Ways to Fire a Millennial
I am a Gen X’er, that funny cross-over generation sandwiched between the true baby boomers and the new Millennials. For the most part, I fit most of the stereotypes of my generation. Many people are offended by stereotypes, but the fact is that stereotypes were created by an abundance of data and facts. Stereotypes are simply generalizations, the same way any numerical statistic is a generalization. Statistics are not facts – they represent a certain percentage of the range of the data being analyzed. 70% of the time, my favorite baseball player will not get a hit, and he’ll still be considered successful. My chances of getting killed by a moose in Vermont are greater than my chances of being killed by a shark in the entire United States. Don’t be offended by stereotypes – you helped to create them. Besides, how else would all the comedians survive if they could not capitalize on stereotypes.
My generation is not quite ready to retire, but the baby boomers are leaving the chemical industry workforce at an alarming rate. All that knowledge and work ethic is being replaced by this strange new breed of employee that doesn’t like to be called employees. We are all ‘cast members’ now. I would like to say that I am hiring this strange new breed, but the fact is that they are hiring me – they are a force to be reckoned with, and they must be controlled before they multiple like the Japanese beetle. So, for those of you fortunate enough have Millennials working for you, here are the top 10 ways to fire them:
1. Post the notice on WhatsApp, just in case they’re using a mobile device not approved by your work.
2. Close the Health club at work. With any luck, they’ll simply quit.
3. Post a list of active employees on Facebook. If their name isn’t on the list, then they shouldn’t show up for work.
4. Call the local Starbucks and put a message on their soy milk latte that says ‘You’re Fired’.
5. Call the Millennial in HR and tell them to deal with it.
6. Wait till they show up for work at lunch time and then schedule a two hour meeting. With any luck, they’ll simply quit.
7. Call their parents and tell them why you have to fire their son/daughter. Most likely they are still living at home and they will take the news better from their parents.
8. Assign them to a project in the Black Forest or in the Sahara dessert – my understanding is that internet access is severely limited. In this case, it doesn’t matter if they quit or accept the position.
9. Change the HR policy to refer to all employees with a numerical designation. Actually, just have them read whatever HR manual you can get your hands on. Anything like that should be good enough.
10. Just wait another month – most likely they are ready for a job change if they have been at your company for over a year.
I’m always interested in hearing other creative ways to fire Millennials, so please contribute to the list!