Twas the night before mid-terms, and all through the quad,
Not a coed was stirring in old Ha’vard Ya’d.
Modems and networking cables were tucked away with some care,
In the hopes that a real live girl might one day visit here.
Dustin and the gang were half asleep on their beds,
While visions of Microsoft job offers danced in their heads.
And I at the keyboard, and Eduardo hoping we don’t get caught,
Had just settled down to hack into who is “Hot or Not.”
A ruckus interrupted the code I’d been writing,
I hoped against hope it was another Natalie Portman sighting.
Away from the computer, to the roof I ran fast,
Forgot to put on my pants and fell flat on my ***.
Toward the edge of the roof I got as close as I dare,
As I stood up there freezing in my Spidey underwear.
I looked all below for her entourage to appear,
But was greeted instead by a sleigh and 8 giant reindeer.
No more Jager’ for me, was the thought that came quick,
When out from the shadows leaped out ole’ St. Nick.
I screamed like a girl, and felt like a *******,
As Santa stood by laughing, “Scared ya – didn’t I, Zuck!”
To the reindeer he cried, “On Hoffman! On Dorsey, Williams, and Stone,
On Kevin Bacon! Come Thiel and Parker ‘fore my timeline gets blown.
With a wink he adds “Normally I’m with 10, this year I’m at a loss,
As I had to fire my twin reindeer – Those whiny Winklevoss”
“I can see you don’t understand their names, by the look on your face,
Each is named after a whiz kid who will change the human race.
I am anxious to tell you, but can you put on a robe,
This thing I call ‘social’ will be known round the globe.”
“The telephone is passé, mail to slow,
Email’s a bore and just doesn’t curl my toes.
We need something revolutionary, but as easy as riding a bike,
Something that will let everyone know when you are single, and what things that you ‘like’.”
“As I share all my secrets for social success,
I have a present for you, before I digress.”
From his bag pulled a book “it’s for us to discuss,”
It was Coding for Dummies: How to in C Plus Plus.
Then he leaned close so only I could hear,
Whispered softly with his voice right next to my ear.
“You’ll be rich! You’ll be famous! Fast cars, hot wife,
Millions of geeks will envy the great Zuckerberg life.”
With a twinkle in his eye and a wink of his nose,
There was a quick flash of light and then I knew all that he knows.
Someday I will own California; other’s opinions won’t mean a damn,
I will have enough money I can buy Instagram.
I can’t wait for YouTube – videos of cats are my interest,
But I will have to watch out for the motherf–ers from Pinterest.
And how to defeat Hoffman – it will be a battle of wits,
I raced downstairs to wake Moskovitz.
As he hopped on his sleigh, and we said our “good night,”
Then I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight.
“Now here is where you can help me as I am feeling the snub,
Next time you see him, remind Fincher he still owes me for ‘Fight Club’.”
Happy Social Holidays Everybody!