Let’s get some coffee to wake up… Oh no, another traffic jam at the espresso machine. And this girl in front of me looks and looks and looks and can’t decide what tea to choose. Would be better for her to drink coffee. Ah, finally she moves. »Sugar? Sure, here.« I wonder, what else she’ll forget. »Spoon?«. Of course, I could have guessed it. »Here, please. You are welcome.« The next time she’ll probably forget her pants when she’s going to office.
Now it’s my turn. I can smell the coffee, press the button for single espresso, »aaah«, what an exquisite smell …. but what’s that? No milk? Why is it always me? I cannot stand coffee without milk. Let’s go, take the saucer, napkin and walk. Concentrate, concentrate, the coffee starts spilling over my cup. »Ouch!«. Again the hot coffee burned my fingers! Why can’t they build cups that keep the coffee in them while I walk?
And here is Andreas. What did he say? »You should try the egg and spoon race. There you cannot burn your fingers.« Haha, very funny right in the morning. I’ll pay him back and send him an urgent request for raw documentation of his new functionality. It’s nonetheless already overdue.
Here is our office. Babette is already here. How does she make it so early every morning? And she has her hair pinned up again. I like-like-like-really like that. I have to work on inviting her to dinner. »Yes. Again, haha«. Every morning she asks me about my newly spilled fingers. I like how she giggles, so cute. »I will train in the egg and spoon race. At least I can’t burn my fingers!«. Look how she giggles. I have to memorize this fine joke of mine.
Sooooo, let’s log on. Of course again a typo in the password. Here again. Five mails only? Better than expected. Now logon to the AIO. This system costs me some years. They haven’t done anything for speeding up the performance on that documentation system. »No budget, no resources. Sorry.« Lame excuses, they don’t want to spend their time on uncool features. Here we are.
A new folder in my structure? From where does this come? Let’s open it. Hmmm, looks like somebody has a lot of time to write this documentation. I have to move this folder, and confirm and save and refresh. »NO!!!«. Where are all my other folders now? Refresh, refresh, refresh. »Pfffff«, here they are. I could kill this system and delete the programmers who did that.
»Uuurgh! Spit, spit!« The coffee is already cold. »Do you want to have some coffee, Babette? No?« She regularly refuses to walk to the espresso machine with me. »You could train me of how not to spill it…« … No chance, she doesn’t want to. But she smiles soooo cute…
Finally, Mr. half-god sent me his raw documentation for his function modules. Let’s see what stuttering sentences he composed. His grammar is like from an infant. This will cost me two hours to put that into complete sentences.
I think I will go for lunch now. »Babette?« Where is she? When did she walk out of the office? I didn’t hear her leaving. Let’s ask the others. Oh oh, here comes Mr. half-god, no way to retreat.
»Hi Andreas! No, no lunch plans yet. Sure, let’s go together«. Bad luck, but I have to dive through it. He’ll probably make again one of his old jokes.
As I thought, lunch with Mr. half-god is a waste of time. And my coffee is spilled again over my fingers. Must try some other coffee-carrying techniques. »Hello, Babette. I didn’t hear you going to lunch?« …»Oh, you went with Marcello? Nice guy.«. Such a fool. Plays always with his Italian charm and thinks the girls will fall for him.
Let me see. »Convert String to Integer«, what a stupid name for a function module. Not much raw text for the documentation. Lazy guy, everything you have to write on your own. Without me, the documentation here would stink.
»Do you have any plans for this evening, Babette?«. Let’s see, if she has time for dinner. »You have? With Marcello?«. With this Marcello, oh how much I hate this guy. With his pseudo-Italian charm and his »Ciao Bella!«. Here he even comes into the office. He picks her up? »Yes, thank you. Have a nice evening, too.«. I dare you, hopefully they choke on their dinner.
And here, this function module »CONVERT_STRING_TO_INTEGER«. What a stupid name for a function module. Pseudo-Italian! Save! Leave me alone!
The function module converts characters into an integer. Errors are caught during the conversion. The rest is self-explaining and I am not keen to continue writing and I don’t know, which formats for the paragraphs to use and the non-proportional font is proportional, although it is written here otherwise and I don’t think that anybody will ever read this documentation, because I am going to rewrite it nonetheless as soon as I found out how to do that correctly and it’s already time to go home and generally – you know what I mean.
This documentation was shipped in 2000. But nobody really understood, what the causes were…
More anecdotes can be found in the Humour@SAP weblog series.